Wishing a Plague Upon New England....

I am wishing a plague upon the New England Patriots. While I'm at it, I should probably wish a plague upon the Celtics and Red Sox too, but I'll just leave it to the Patriots.
Bill Belichick and his sleeveless hoody-wearing self will play all of his starters the entire game until they have it firmly locked away. Even though the goal of the season is winning the Super Bowl, he will risk his players' health by playing them even though they have had the homefield advantage and #1 seed locked up for several weeks. Tony Dungy will sit all of his Colts players this weekend, and will not sell out to win this one game. He has an ultimate goal of winning the Super Bowl.
The New England Patriots deserve a plague. Win or Lose, although I'd rather they lose, I hope they all get hurt. Here are my wishes for the game:
1) Tom Brady separates his shoulder, doing severe ligament damage and is unable to throw a ball better than a girl for the remainder of his life. He will also feel pain while sleeping and will no longer be able to accomodate his favorite sexual positions.
2) Randy Moss breaks his leg, then while he is laying on the ground Bill Belichick goes over to see what is wrong, trips over Randy's broken leg doing further damage to it, then Bill falls to the ground in an awkward fashion, and his sleeveless hoody starts to choke him. Experts later say that if he hadn't cut the sleeves off of his hoody he wouldn't have choked. The hoody chokes him, cutting off oxygen to his brain until they cut it off of him. In the meantime he forgets everything he knows about football.
3) Wes Welker goes across the middle and jumps in the air to catch an errant Tom Brady throw. While in the air Rodney Harrison sees him and says to himself "Sweet another opportunity for a cheap shot!!!" In a fit of steroid rage, Rodney makes it onto the field to hit Wes in the head as he is coming down. Wes ends up with a concussion and is unable to play the rest of the season. Rodney dislocates his jaw from biting down so hard on his mouthguard and is suspended for all eternity from the NFL for his vicious brutality, but then the NFL realizes he is a Patriot, so they only suspend him for 4 weeks so Rodney also misses the remainder of the season.
4) In the 4th Quarter, with the Patriots down by 4 points, Jabar Gaffney catches a pass and has a clear path to the endzone. Reche Caldwell of the Washington Redskins, formerly of the Patriots, who is in the stands watching the game, sees him breaking free, because he sees everything with his HUGE eyes. So Reche jumps onto the field and tackles Jabar with 1 yard to go and no time remaining and the Patriots lose. They then lose their first playoff game to the Cleveland Browns. They then go 0-16 in 2008. They proceed to lose 10 or more games in every season for the rest of time.
The end.

Cats Suck

Kitty of Death? Oscar the cat, who lives at a nursing home and hospice in Providence, R.I., showed an uncanny knack for predicting when patients were going to die by curling up next to them during their final hours.

Cats are evil. They are completely and totally evil. I hate them. Black cats are bad luck. How about all cats are bad luck. There are many reasons I hate cats, let me name a few.

1. Litter boxes smell. Give me a dog that you let outside and it takes a crap in the backyard any day. Litter boxes smell and they are disgusting. Don't buy into all that crap that says you can buy certain kinds of litter that won't make it smell. It will smell. It always smell. I can smell it the instant I enter a house with a cat. It's disgusting.
2. Cats are terrorists. Some people think cats are smart. They aren't. They're dumb. Many people think they are smart because they lurk around corners and are sort of a recluse. You know what we call people that do that? Unabombers. Terrorists. They are really just staying away from you and trying to make you think they are smart when they are really sneaking off and peeing in your closet on your shoes.
3. Hairballs. Is there anything more disgusting than a cat hacking up a hairball?
4. They are assholes. Try containing a cat who is supposed to be your pet and they will just go where they want to go. They are uncontrollable pieces of shit. They will tear up you curtains, your furniture, everything else. They will go in all rooms of the house and deposit their hair, their pee, and their poop. They will knock shit over, and then when you try to find them to discipline them, they will take out their claws and hack the shit out of your arms. Assholes.
5. They don't love. Dogs love you at all times of the day. Cats love you when they want food or when it is most convenient for them. If you've had a bad day, a cat really couldn't give a shit. They'll probably just try and claw your eyes out. That may work for some of you out there, but it doesn't work for me.
6. Sleeping trouble. Ever try to sleep restfully with a cat nearby. You can't. They climb and jump all night. They get in fights with random shit like tissues and remote controls. You'll wake up and have a cat resting on your head. You'll awaken very quickly when the cat takes a swipe at your privates with its claws.

So have fun all you cat-lovers out there. I'll stick with my dog. You can deal with the spawn of Satan on your own.

Unisex Names are Gross

One of the things that pisses me off most in this world are unisex names, a given name that is often given to either a boy or a girl. Some countries require that a name be gender specific, unfortunately the US is not one of them. There is nothing more retarded than someone having a first name that you can't tell if they are a man or a woman. Parents, please get it together. You want your kid to be confused about his or her sexuality or gender, give him or her a unisex name. I'm not saying all of these names are bad, they are just generally bad for one sex while okay for the other. Following is a list of names from my own personal experience which have been used for both men and women that are stupid:

Adrian/Adrienne, Alex (nothing worse than this one, I don't care if it's short for something), Andy (girls who call themselves Andy are gross), Ashley (dudes, if your name is Ashley, head down to the courthouse right now and change it), Bernie (my hero's name, but not the best name for a chick, a pretty good name for a dog though), Bobby/Bobbi (nothing says white trash like Bobbi), Casey (I'm talking to you Indians 3rd baseman and you suck at hitting too), Chris (I don't have a problem with chicks named Christine, but please don't shorten it, don't call yourself Tini either, it's not cute), Courtney (like the 1st round draft pick of the Browns, if you are a dude and your name is Courtney, you are likely to be just as frail as Mr. Courtney Brown), Danny/Dani (don't call you girl named Danielle Dani please), Dana (could there be a worse name for a dude, Dana Barros???), Drew (this one is only okay for chicks that I hate like Drew Barrymore, oh yeah, I'll add her to the list), Hayden (it's not okay even if you are Darth Vader), Jamie, Joyce, Kendall (what a weird name), Kit (I was made aware that this was sometimes used as a shortened version of Christopher for males, my only question is WHY?!?!?), Kyle (nothing more gross than a chick named Kyle), Lindsay/Lindsey (my least favorite Detroit Piston Lindsey Hunter), Mel (it's a little weird to refer to a Melissa as Mel), Morgan (this one I could go either way on so let's just eliminate it completely), Payton/Peyton (what were you thinking Archie), Pat, Robin (wow), Ryan, Shannon (maybe that's why Shannon Brown sucks at basketball so much), Toby

***Disclaimer - this in no way means that I hate you if you have one of the above names, I am just merely pointing out that Unisex names are weird for comedic purposes and it is not intended to offend

Further Proof that Boston Fans are Homos

CC Sabathia won the Cy Young Award today and he deserved it. Since it was announced, all I've read and heard about it is that he didn't deserve it, everyone who says so is a Boston fan. What a bunch of spoiled punks, go listen to your Dave Matthews Band and enjoy your World Series trophy. You have to have everything, don't you??? CC was the better pitcher all year. The ONLY category that Josh Beckett was ahead of CC in was wins and that is because he played with a superior offense. CC had a higher percentage of quality starts, more strikeouts, and less walks. So much for him having better stats just because he threw more innings. One stretch during the season that defines that lack of run support is mentioned in the following excerpt:

The stretch that best defined his season came over 10 starts from July 24 through Sept. 28. Sabathia went only 4-3 in those 10 games, but he didn't allow more than two earned runs and never pitched fewer than six innings in any start. In the three losses, the Indians scored a total of two runs.

So Boston, shut your pie-holes and enjoy your old piece of shit green stadium and all of your winning sports teams. Let someone else win something for a change! Oh yeah, how about them Bruins??? Haha, bitches.

Jawbidextrous

Some people would like to be ambidextrous. I, however, strive to be jawbidextrous. What the hell is jawbidextrous you might ask? I'll tell you. One day I'm sitting at work chewing on some hard candy (Runts) and I notice that I only chew hard things in the right side of my mouth. I switch the Runts over to the left side of my mouth and it feels uncomfortable and with each chew I'm almost worried it will hurt. I decide right then and there I will no longer be a slave to my one-sided chewing. I will become jawbidextrous. I will chew on both sides equally. So today I begin my quest to become jawbidextrous. My plan is to chew hard candy only on the left side of my mouth until it becomes as comfortable as it is to chew hard candy on the right side of my mouth.
I don't remember when I started only chewing hard things on the right side of my mouth, so this may take a while!