Thursday, December 27, 2007

Wishing a Plague Upon New England....

I am wishing a plague upon the New England Patriots. While I'm at it, I should probably wish a plague upon the Celtics and Red Sox too, but I'll just leave it to the Patriots.
Bill Belichick and his sleeveless hoody-wearing self will play all of his starters the entire game until they have it firmly locked away. Even though the goal of the season is winning the Super Bowl, he will risk his players' health by playing them even though they have had the homefield advantage and #1 seed locked up for several weeks. Tony Dungy will sit all of his Colts players this weekend, and will not sell out to win this one game. He has an ultimate goal of winning the Super Bowl.
The New England Patriots deserve a plague. Win or Lose, although I'd rather they lose, I hope they all get hurt. Here are my wishes for the game:
1) Tom Brady separates his shoulder, doing severe ligament damage and is unable to throw a ball better than a girl for the remainder of his life. He will also feel pain while sleeping and will no longer be able to accomodate his favorite sexual positions.
2) Randy Moss breaks his leg, then while he is laying on the ground Bill Belichick goes over to see what is wrong, trips over Randy's broken leg doing further damage to it, then Bill falls to the ground in an awkward fashion, and his sleeveless hoody starts to choke him. Experts later say that if he hadn't cut the sleeves off of his hoody he wouldn't have choked. The hoody chokes him, cutting off oxygen to his brain until they cut it off of him. In the meantime he forgets everything he knows about football.
3) Wes Welker goes across the middle and jumps in the air to catch an errant Tom Brady throw. While in the air Rodney Harrison sees him and says to himself "Sweet another opportunity for a cheap shot!!!" In a fit of steroid rage, Rodney makes it onto the field to hit Wes in the head as he is coming down. Wes ends up with a concussion and is unable to play the rest of the season. Rodney dislocates his jaw from biting down so hard on his mouthguard and is suspended for all eternity from the NFL for his vicious brutality, but then the NFL realizes he is a Patriot, so they only suspend him for 4 weeks so Rodney also misses the remainder of the season.
4) In the 4th Quarter, with the Patriots down by 4 points, Jabar Gaffney catches a pass and has a clear path to the endzone. Reche Caldwell of the Washington Redskins, formerly of the Patriots, who is in the stands watching the game, sees him breaking free, because he sees everything with his HUGE eyes. So Reche jumps onto the field and tackles Jabar with 1 yard to go and no time remaining and the Patriots lose. They then lose their first playoff game to the Cleveland Browns. They then go 0-16 in 2008. They proceed to lose 10 or more games in every season for the rest of time.
The end.

2 comments:

Zach said...

"...and will no longer be able to accommodate his favorite sexual positions."

Brilliant. Cruel and unnecessary. But brilliant.

Phil said...

Cruel and unnecessary is the only way when we're talking about New England!!! Bastards.